Or at least I was while gobbling up huge dollops of Maggi.
Now I’m more calm and serene than The Buddha. Thank you, Maggi.
Years of meditation can’t do what a packet of Maggi can. I don’t care if they have lead in there or MSG or frigging Cyanide. Whatever works, right?
It all started early in the day, in college, when my stomach started growling like a Lion. This went on for an hour or two. I needed to get me stomach filled with some food. Did I say some food? I meant an obscene amount of food. I wasn’t the only one, the class was full to the brim with Tiffin pirates and Tiffin vultures (I’ll explain the distinction later) and prey was difficult to come by.
So I decided to get myself a Kabab roll from the canteen…
Only to find Canteen predators everywhere!
They hide in corners waiting to pounce on you as soon you’re done buying some food. Not a place for clueless first years, the Amity canteen. So the lion inside my stomach and I decided to beat a hasty retreat.
Later, whilst eating a bowl of Maggi in my den, a realisation dawned on me. The realisation that what I need, what every hangry denizen of Amity University needs, is a survival guide.
Here’s the survival guide:
After Vijay Bhaiya hands you your warm kabab roll, you’d be tempted to gulp the whole thing down in one go.
Don’t. Rookie mistake.
Wait for the inevitable predator to come by… Offer her the roll and let her have as huge a bite as she can.
All you’re losing on are the initial bits of Maida you’d rather not have anyway.
That’s the beauty of Vijay Bhaiya’s Predator Resistant Kabab Rolls. Remember, after the predator has had her bite, (and this is the tricky part) with the sternest voice you can muster you must ask her to give the roll back.
Chomp your way to the bottom then offer the last bite to the predator if she is still hanging around. That’s Maida too.
If you’re still getting caught unawares: here’s an easy way to recognise different species of the college food chain (a skill that might save you from starving to death):
“Tiffin laya hai?” – Tiffin Pirate
“Treat!” –Canteen Pirate
“Give na thoda sa” – Tiffin Vulture
“Mai aaj Puri Sabzi laya hu” (easy)
“Meri ma ne do tiffin pack kare hai, ek tum logo ke liye and ek mere liye” (way too easy)
“No money in wallet bro, ghar girvi rakhta hu canteen allowance ke liye” (not so easy) “Khaa liya tiffin subha hi”(difficult, nay, impossible)
Well, that’s it really. Hope it helps.
On your guard, get set, go!